So lately in my life I've been having quite vivid dreams. Which honestly I kinda like, if only I could remember them.
Well last night I had a dream and only upon waking did I remember it and realize it.
It was a dream about hangin out with one of my best friends and a friend of hers.
I remember her friend had finished his homework and things got a bit awkward so I had said out of politeness and a bit passive-aggressiveness, "you guys can leave whenever you'd like, please to feel pressured to stay"
So they decided to leave. and instead of walking them to the front of the house I just walked them to my bedroom door, for I was hurt. As my best friend passed behind her friend I tapped her shoulder and asked why? She replied with tears in her eyes with a shrug. So I pulled her back and said Do you not feel that things are different? I don't like it like this. To which she responded I don't like it either! But what am I supposed to do?
So talked and let out our emotions and our frustrations. She basically ended up saying I'm happy for you and I do love you, I just don't know what you're going through and how to feel about it. (not that anything major is going on, but we're taking different paths in our lives)
So I understand. and it brought clarity to my real life. For this dream manifested I believe out of how I feel about someone. I was wishing for that relief of honesty.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
All this pain
This post is gonna be a bit of a departure from what I normally write about, however I felt the urge to write a little something.
I've been watching the movie Amores Perros (which translates as Love's a bitch) and something struck me. This movie and others by the director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu have a common theme: pain. But not just pain itself but that kind of pain that cuts through everything in life, that makes life certifiably insanely hard. The stuff you rather would not talk about, let alone think about.
I admit, one of his movies, the most recent one called Biutiful was so painful to watch I couldn't even finish it, for it was the kind of pain so realistic and cutting that I could bear it no more.
I enjoy from an artistic perspective because I respect the fact that he bravely creates films of this matter, and it is indeed realistic and very haunting. That pain you don't forget. That becomes a part of you and leaves such a mark that you are forever different afterwards.
In the midst of Amores Perros I was being drawn down the rabbit hole of my own mind, remembering the pain I went through, that changed my life dramatically. I started softly crying, remembering the despair I felt and knowing life would never ever be the same. I felt scared again, back in that old place. Then a few moments later I remembered - God. God has brought me forward. He has healed me. He is still healing me. He is and was my comfort. The song Beautiful Things by Gungor has been replaying in my head so much these past few months. It reflects to the T what God has done and is doing in my life and I cannot be more grateful and astounded.
Did I conquer my fear with heroic courage? Not in the least. It took tiny wavering wobbly steps. It took feeling trapped but knowing God just had to get me out for there was nothing else. It took relying on other peoples prayers and encouragement. It took feeble prayers of my own. It was a dark place. I didn't know what was ahead. I didn't know how to move ahead. But I have. And I am so beyond words thankful.
I've been watching the movie Amores Perros (which translates as Love's a bitch) and something struck me. This movie and others by the director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu have a common theme: pain. But not just pain itself but that kind of pain that cuts through everything in life, that makes life certifiably insanely hard. The stuff you rather would not talk about, let alone think about.
I admit, one of his movies, the most recent one called Biutiful was so painful to watch I couldn't even finish it, for it was the kind of pain so realistic and cutting that I could bear it no more.
I enjoy from an artistic perspective because I respect the fact that he bravely creates films of this matter, and it is indeed realistic and very haunting. That pain you don't forget. That becomes a part of you and leaves such a mark that you are forever different afterwards.
In the midst of Amores Perros I was being drawn down the rabbit hole of my own mind, remembering the pain I went through, that changed my life dramatically. I started softly crying, remembering the despair I felt and knowing life would never ever be the same. I felt scared again, back in that old place. Then a few moments later I remembered - God. God has brought me forward. He has healed me. He is still healing me. He is and was my comfort. The song Beautiful Things by Gungor has been replaying in my head so much these past few months. It reflects to the T what God has done and is doing in my life and I cannot be more grateful and astounded.
Did I conquer my fear with heroic courage? Not in the least. It took tiny wavering wobbly steps. It took feeling trapped but knowing God just had to get me out for there was nothing else. It took relying on other peoples prayers and encouragement. It took feeble prayers of my own. It was a dark place. I didn't know what was ahead. I didn't know how to move ahead. But I have. And I am so beyond words thankful.
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