Love and other things

Hello again.
It's been fun being away and reading my old life on here. It's funny because frequently now I'll be sitting somewhere and I will just sit and marvel and say to myself, how in the WORLD did I get here?! And I love it. My friends, my new world, my different life, it's been a crazy ride and a crazy blessing and I crave more.
Love (always comes down to that doesn't it??) has been on my mind (ok when isn't it?) But lately it's that bittersweet thing. I fell in love. I think. It got cut, though we remain friends. And my love for him grows. But then I stop briefly and wonder is it love? or is it my glorification of being in love? We stopped before any ugliness seeped in. When everything is fresh, and cute, and sweet. But I think of the little details and it feels like love. The things that make me happy, that make me want to be a part of it all, even his heartache. Thankfully we still get to share our lives in some form.
I will say this, I am absolutely without a doubt in love with San Francisco. Every day is like being in relationship. Some days I am happy and we just keep moving forward. Other days I am so angry and I think how could I ever remain? But God, you bringing me here has been insane. The people I've met, deliciously different and open, and just so right. My eyes have been open and I'm trying not to let that city cynicism seep in. To keep that awe and wonder. I've felt that child-like wonder in brief glimpses here. And standing in front of the pacific ocean, knowing that I am literally on the edge of the world, brings such giddiness to my heart.
Now I just long for that someone to share it all with. But in the meantime I've gotten some sweet tastes of it. Have they been broken images? Absolutely. Have they been impure? sadly yes. But God knows me well enough and is merciful enough to allow me to still taste the sweetness. It is that bittersweet that pervades through it, of living in the already but not yet. I'm tasting that. And I long for more. And mostly I long to bring about more of the not yet part. That's the journey I'm on, how do I bring that about? What's my part in that?

In dreams

So lately in my life I've been having quite vivid dreams. Which honestly I kinda like, if only I could remember them.
Well last night I had a dream and only upon waking did I remember it and realize it.
It was a dream about hangin out with one of my best friends and a friend of hers.
I remember her friend had finished his homework and things got a bit awkward so I had said out of politeness and a bit passive-aggressiveness, "you guys can leave whenever you'd like, please to feel pressured to stay"
So they decided to leave. and instead of walking them to the front of the house I just walked them to my bedroom door, for I was hurt. As my best friend passed behind her friend I tapped her shoulder and asked why? She replied with tears in her eyes with a shrug. So I pulled her back and said Do you not feel that things are different? I don't like it like this. To which she responded I don't like it either! But what am I supposed to do?
So talked and let out our emotions and our frustrations. She basically ended up saying I'm happy for you and I do love you, I just don't know what you're going through and how to feel about it. (not that anything major is going on, but we're taking different paths in our lives)
So I understand. and it brought clarity to my real life. For this dream manifested I believe out of how I feel about someone. I was wishing for that relief of honesty.

All this pain

This post is gonna be a bit of a departure from what I normally write about, however I felt the urge to write a little something.
I've been watching the movie Amores Perros (which translates as Love's a bitch) and something struck me. This movie and others by the director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu have a common theme: pain. But not just pain itself but that kind of pain that cuts through everything in life, that makes life certifiably insanely hard. The stuff you rather would not talk about, let alone think about.
I admit, one of his movies, the most recent one called Biutiful was so painful to watch I couldn't even finish it, for it was the kind of pain so realistic and cutting that I could bear it no more.
I enjoy from an artistic perspective because I respect the fact that he bravely creates films of this matter, and it is indeed realistic and very haunting. That pain you don't forget. That becomes a part of you and leaves such a mark that you are forever different afterwards.
In the midst of Amores Perros I was being drawn down the rabbit hole of my own mind, remembering the pain I went through, that changed my life dramatically. I started softly crying, remembering the despair I felt and knowing life would never ever be the same. I felt scared again, back in that old place. Then a few moments later I remembered - God. God has brought me forward. He has healed me. He is still healing me. He is and was my comfort. The song Beautiful Things by Gungor has been replaying in my head so much these past few months. It reflects to the T what God has done and is doing in my life and I cannot be more grateful and astounded.
Did I conquer my fear with heroic courage? Not in the least. It took tiny wavering wobbly steps. It took feeling trapped but knowing God just had to get me out for there was nothing else. It took relying on other peoples prayers and encouragement. It took feeble prayers of my own. It was a dark place. I didn't know what was ahead. I didn't know how to move ahead. But I have. And I am so beyond words thankful.

Suddenly Everything Has Changed

Well it's not really that suddenly. But what has suddenly changed is the pace of life. I went from leisure days of honestly not being sure how to best fill my time to trying to keep on top of everything. I went from working a few days a week to potentially working all the time. I'm even planning on moving out soon!
Honestly though I'm excited. I'm tired for sure but I'm happy. For 2 years I just didn't know what to do, to just keep walking forward and trusting and growing in God.
Then I meet with a couple different people and next thing I know I'm being offered an internship, I'm dressing in bistro attire, I'm asked to help with weddings and I'm figuring out when to move.
I praise God.
He has brought me through so much and He has opened all these doors. He knew my frustrations and soothed me.
Now here I am, at a church I love deeply and am excited about every day, I'm meeting all these new different people which I love and getting chances to be a part of their world. I'm becoming a stronger christian and growing daily.
It's definitely scary to leave things behind. It's sad to see things I've known for years or even my whole lifetime shift dramatically within months. But God will never ever change and that's all that matters.
I had my first catering serving gig yesterday and it was fun! Definitely learned a lot and it was the perfect intro to that world. I was a bit worried since I had no formal experience but since it was just me and the owner I knew it would be ok.
It's interesting how things that are considered art to the outside world was treated and done just so matter of factly. From the folding of the napkins to the placing of tiny chopped strawberries on top of  a sorbet. It looks so delicate and artistic and it was actually amusing how it was done with just bluntness. Especially how I come from the dancing world where everything is considered and re-worked down to the last fingertip and it has such meaning and weight.
Some more changes are a-coming so I'll be writing here a bit more often so you guys can have a glimpse!

It's the little things

I like keeping shoeboxes. perfect for holding all the random things I accumulate.
I like things that are full on tacky/gaudy. Not all the time but currently, giant plastic ring on my finger in the shape of kissy lips
I like glamour shots/ads in magazines. I've cut out ones I deem the prettiest and created a wall collage. Still growing.
I like paper laterns.
I like the special moments of feeling deliciously girly. Like when I wear a killer dress and/or killer heels. Getting flowers. Hosting a party. Being domestic.
I like the moments when the dancer busts out in me. Whether by spontaneously dancing or by doing balletic poses and feeling like the ballerina I never was.
I like manly stuff. colognes. manly decorations. men's fashion.
I just realized I must have an affinity for jakcets. I have more than my room can contain. they're my version of shoes; one kind of jacket for every occaison.
I like attention. Nothing over the top. but celebrate my birthday, give me flowers if I have done something. I will be tickled pink.
I like my dog and the way she's always happy to curl up with me every night. She's fiercely independent but she's my baby too.
I like honesty. Those moments of unexpected realness

Moments

I love those moments of real-ness. when you can't back down. Moments of real seriousness. Moments where you fear because you want the truth out. Moments where you're completely in bliss. Moments where you laugh and enjoy it, no matter when and where. Moments when you get goosebumps unexpectedly. Moments where you're so completely enamored and in love. Moments of stillness. Moments of absurdity. Moments when you lose all awareness of your body and just move/dance. That moment when you go to bed at night and you feel yourself release everything from that most-trying day

Of pure imagination

When I even write that line that I put in the title I can hear Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka singing that lilting tune about imagination, which I actually just found out is a Roald Dahl poem. Oh the wonders of the internet.
Ever since my post about inspiration I've been mulling often about inspiration which breeds creativity but I find the biggest source is imagination. I'm sitting here deciding how to proceed with my life, what decisions to make and all the while in the back of my mind I'm wondering where in the world my imagination has gone. I had an incredibly vivid imagination as a child, the world was oh so wonderous, everything was more than it was. Every day I thought up wonderful scenarios in my head and acted them out, but nobody knew I was acting them out, for in my head I would transform whatever ordinary thing they were doing and make it story or a scenario. Even the folds of my blanket at nighttime were fascinating, I pictured them as the folds of dark and mysterious caves, lands unearthed and waiting to be explored. Now my day is filled with practicality. True I do get to babysit kids and see them participate in their imagination, but I don't wanna partake, for it's not my story or scenario, or I don't want to force it on them so I smile and urge them to keep on acting it out without me, for I know if I played along I could never do justice to the part acting out in their head.
My biggest question is how do I get this back?
Can I ever get it back??
Or is it something to just remember fondly and say goodbye mournfully?
That answer does not satisfy me.
But I'm still utterly beguiled on how to get it back.
Perhaps it involves turning off the computer. Just being immsersed in myself in the world. Putting the cell phone away. I know that's a big part of it.
Maybe I just need to tell myself to do it and encourage stories in my head, step by step.
Oh I do wish I get it back