Hi all in blogland.
I was looking at my blog and was sad that I didn't have anything to blog about when whammo! an idea just hit me (when I was about to turn off my computer actually haha)
I was thinking about dancing after watching a clip of an old classmate of mine dancing a piece she had created for a piece she's in and it started me thinking about dancing.
Do I miss it? Yes and no.
I don't miss the stress, the constant wondering, the feeling of needing to always think about it to be a better artist but yet wanting to stop thinking about it to give my brain a rest but then still being consumed by it because the thoughts of dance are limitless really. The constant aches pain (but strangely I actually miss the soreness as well) the constant feeling of inadequacy I experienced and wrestled with but was combated with the feeling of utter triumph and victory and strength. (does this make sense?)
I hated always comparing myself to everybody else and feeling like I could never do to choreography justice the way everybody else could. I didn't like that everybody else seemed to have body of rubber bands whereas I was like pizza dough, I needed to stretch myself everyday all day for hours and on repeat to maintain decent form. I didn't like always being tired but yet I did because it meant I had done something.
But yet at almost any given moment these days I'm dancing little phrases or standing on half pointe in the shower or doing pique arabesques. I stand in front of the mirror and critique my arms in second position.
I miss the routine of plies. I miss Summer's inspirational words and motivation and surprisingly fun pirouette combos. I miss watching Christian's body flop about, his old fashioned grande allegros. I miss Alex's choreography. I miss being sore and sweaty. I miss the familar pattern I had of stretching. I miss watching people and then knowing their movements so well that it defined them. I miss being a part of the process. I miss knowing what was expected of me and knowing how to fulfill those expectations.
Will I ever be a dancer again? It's becoming quite sure in my head the answer is no. I honestly do still entertain the vague notion that someday I'll choreograph or teach or somehow be back in the studio.
Am I sad about all this? Yes and no.
For the longest time I thought other than for the dance life, dancing didn't really benefit me in other areas of my life. People always say it does, but I just figured that was some way to reassure themselves that dancing was not a waste of time.
Do I think dancing was a waste of my time? Not in the least. It definitely bothers me that I dedicated so much to dancing and honestly nothing came of it except some amazing experiences and insight into that world.
But I just realized dance taught me perserverance and faith. Perserverance because in class and in rehearsal you have to trust that it'll work out. That you will somehow understand it or at the very least just be able to do it. Because a lot of times in dancing and in life you don't know what to do, or even how to do it or anything. But you just keep doing it. You just keep trying. Even if it's so far beyond frustrating you still do it. It's almost sadistic the way you keep on going but yet you do. Because of the plain fact you have to. And that produces faith because it will work out somehow. Something will be done
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